Bleep The Veep!
by a440
Summary: When Switchboard commissions Nikki to do her own radio show, there's no telling what the results may be


BLEEP THE VEEP!

The Beverly Hills Teens is a registered trademak of Diffusion, Information et Communication (DIC), so much, the better. And sometimes it pays to be rich like the BHTs so you can own you own TV and radiio station. Seems like Switchboard and Nikki must've had quite a partnership. Anyhoo, read on...

-a440

"Listen Switchboard," said Nikki Darling, "I may be the vice president of your KBHT station, but I've never done a radio show before."

"That I wouldn't doubt," said the gossip freak known as Brenda "Switchboard" Andes, "but how was I to know I'd be the victim of on e of my family's enforced vacations for dinner with my Aunt Peg in Northridge?"

"I know the feeling," agreed Nikki. "My vacations for family BBQ's in Russell, Kansas can be a big fat drag, I mean, ever met my Aunt Juliet? She looks like Kim Novak and enjoys kissing."

"Kissing's not that bad, I don't think," said the gossipmonger, who along with Nikki, were standing near the steps that led up into The Teenclub's main entrance.

"On the lips?" shot back the starlet. "Well...don't you worry over a thing, Switch, you just have fun with your family, I'll do what it takes to do a fantastic radio show tomorrow night."

"Great!" chirped Switchboard. "I knew I can count on you! And just think-it may also pave your way to radio stardom."

"I don't know," said a doubtful Nikki, "acting's always been my forte, but radio? I don't know..."

"How do you think Dr. Demento got started?" said the gossip queen. "Any how, I'll give you time to get an engineer and DJ/sound effects tech for you show, so it pays to ask friends around."

And Nikki did just that by summoning much of the BHTs that only had radio experience to the Teenclub dance section; right now, up on the stage, Nikki was saying, "As vice president of Switchboard''s station, tomorrow night, I need two lucky people to help me out with sound engineering and playing the tunes. Right now, I got with me a lotto machine which will select the two lucky canidates ."

So saying, Nikki turned to a lotto ball machine, the same one used in selecting the BHTs for the golf game for the olympic games with the other rich teens of 1987; after turning it on, the numbered colored balls jiggled in the sphere section, then two balls popped out and the starlet looked them over carefully, before announcing, "Well...it seems we've got numbers seven and twelve...and they're Tara and Jillian respectively!"

Even with much of the BHTs cheering, Tara was surprised, saying, "Gracious, I sure pert near don't know a thing when it comes to radio, but why not? I could pert near try."

"Especially since me and Nikki can help you out," said Jillian. "Besides, it pays to have a genius for a boyfriend," gesturing to Chester.

"R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r," grumbled Pierce, "you'd think I could've been chosen, after all, I could use my savior fair to appeal to all the female radio listeners, rrrral."

"I wish it was me and Gig," said a disgruntled Jett. "We're more experienced in radio and in soud equipment as well as classic rock better than anyone in the club!"

"And the ones that get picked," said a grumpy Gig, "were the least likely-a ding a ling Southern Belle and a pint sized dive. They'll ruin the show for sure! I mean with Nikki, Jillian and Tara combined, they'll do the work of three people-Moe, Larry and Curly."

"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," said Jett.

KBHT Radio Studio A. a few minutes before the broadcast. A room with red drywalls, a triangular table with computerized equipment for broadcasting, engineering and playing tunes. And right now Nikki was giving Tara and Jillian last minute briefings, saying, "I hope you know how to play the music the way I tought you, Tara, or it'll be YOU that'll face the music."

"No worries, honey chile," assured the Southerner. "Only thing is the only music I ever played were parlor tunes and songs of the South."

"Well, just play the tunes the same way you'd play what you usually play," said the starlet. "Jillian, I hope Chester tought you a lot on sound engineering like he said."

"You can count on me, Big N," said the Thorndyke sibling. "I'll master those sliders before you can say 'slide trombone'."

"I hope so," said Nikki, "If Switchboard discovers we botched her radio show-IF we botch it-our smash hit'll be a smash crash, so for my sake, The Teenclub's sake and ESPECIALLY Switchboard's sake, PLEASE don't mess it! Hey, it's 7:55, take your places! We start at 8:00! "

Quickly, the girls took their spots-Nikki at the main DJ section, Jillian at engineering and Tara at playing the tunes, all done with Microsoft Windows 7 computer terminals, flat screens, tower like desktops, keyboard and mouse, each terminal for each girl, who now also donned on a headset mike. Jillian's terminal also had a 48 channel mixing board as well, operating in conjunction with her 'puter, ready to begin.

"Stand by on 4 second contdown to broadcast," said Nikki, just as Tara spotted a mosquito in the air and picked up a rolled up newspaper and now was ready to hit it-only the said fly had landed on Jillian's head...

At the same moment, much of The Teenclub, if not all of Beverly Hills itself had their radios tuned into KBHT, waiting for Nikki's debut; in the main hall of The Teenclub, Lark had a stereo system of 200 watts, the tuner set as she announced to the crowd and the scattered BHTs,"OK, all of you, get ready to listen...4, 3, 2, 1, zero!"

But when Lark turned on the system, the first sound heard was a hit landing then Jillian shouting, "YEE-OUCH! Tara, you dope! Why'd you hit me?"

"Sorry, honey chile," came the reply on the radio, "but there was a fly on your head."

"A fly?!" said the Thorndyke sibling. "The least you could've done was wait till it landed someplace else!"

"Stop bickering, you two!" said Nikki. "If you want to act like clowns, join the circus-EEK! W'ere broadcasting now!"

At that, much of the BHTs howled with their laughs while there was a shuffle going on, then Nikki came back on saying, "Uh, good evening, all of you in Beverly Hills and welcome to the possible debut of The Nikki Darling Shoe-er, Show, filling in for Brenda'Switchboard' Andes, and with me, as engineer and DJ respectively, help ing me out, Jillian Thorndyke III and the one and only Tara Belle, and for the next few hours, we present the opportunity for you to listen to tunes, so let's get started with the rockin' Return To Sender, as done by the jaunty Elvis Presley-no, it's, oh, you get the idea, Tara, play the tune."

The Southerner, who mastered the mouse, selected a track, but what came out was a fast paced version of Return To Sender, with Elvis' voice sounding like a chipmonk.

"Tara, you dope!" hissed Jillian, "it's the wrong speed!"

Quickly Tara stopped the player and tried to reset the speed, saying, "Uh, sorry, y'all...that was the short version of Return To Sender...uh, now here's the real Mc Coy..."

So saying, Tara played the original at the right speed, before Nikki cut off the mikes, saying, "Tara, I thought I had trained you right to play tunes!"

"Sorry," said the Southerner, "but it's my first time with computers."

Facepalming in despair, the starlet could only moan, "Now I knew I should've chosen Gig and Jett."

"A bit late for that," said Jillian.

Despite their laughter, the BHTs had to admit that was a stupid thing they did and wre sorry, admitting that it was a good start to Nikki's radio debut. Right now, even as The Police's De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da was playing, Lark said to Pierce, "You have to admit for the last few minutes, Nikki, Tara and your sister were doing good."

""Good?" scoffed the egotist. "Since when is announcing 'Cher Nono doing Typsies, Tramps & Grives considered good? I told you Jillian would goof it!"

"Give her a chance, Pierce," said Chester. "no one's perfect especially on a first night. She said she had butterflies in her stomach."

"More like bats," said Pierce. "and Tara, she was no better."

That was when the tune faded out while Nikki said, "OK, that was the PO-LICE doing De Dooo Doo Doooo, uh, you know what it is anyhoo, sorry-sounds like what babies do in the diapers, yucc.. But get to the good ones and requests coming up on KBHT, but first, here's our Belle Of The South, Tara Belle, with our weather report."

In Studio A, Nikki handed Tara a piece of paper pointing at it for her to read; the Southerner took it and read: "Dear Mariah, when I think of that glorious night at The Eureka Hotel, I truly go crazy, love Celine." The doing a double take, she added, "Huh?!"

"Sorry, wrong one," said a flustered Nikki, who handed Tara a second sheet of paper and added, "Read that."

"it says 78 degrees out there in Beverly Hills," said Tara, reading.

"Well at least, here's some that knows how to keep cool," said Jillian.

"And speaking of cool," added Nikki," "let's send out the first request from Jillian Thorndyke II to our boy geius extordennaire, Chester Mc Tech, and the track is the late Paul Davis doing the title song from his album, Cool Night."

Time passed with a touch and go of a radio show as the program progressed; right now, with Nikki And Tara, the latter wearing a headphone were at work, when the sound of a flushing toilet was heard. After that, Jillian ran in and said, "Sorry if I was late. Hey, what happened to the tunes? Maybe if I turn up the sound."

That, the Thondyke sibling did-before Nikki bolted up, shouting "YEE-OUCH"" and whipping off the headphone. "Rodent named Jillian, what're you trying to do," she yelled, "give me Tinnitus City U.S.A.?! I had on my head phone!"

"Sorry, " said a sheepish Jillian, "but I thought we lost our tunes."

"Hang on," said the starlet, who worked the sliders, "I can fix that...here we go..." After that, The Electric Light Orchestra's Don't Bring Me Down pulsed from the studio speakers.

"Yay!" chirped Jillian. "Ole, ELO!"

"You know," said a puzzled Radley, "I can't figure that tune out."

"What do you mean?" said Blaze.

"Those dudes saying 'Don't bring me down, Bruce." Who's Bruce?"

"It's not Bruce, Rad," said the rodeo girl, "it's Groos, German for greetings."

"Groos, Bruce or greetings," said the surfer, "either way, it still don't make sense to me. Go figure."

Renegade by Styx was playing nicely as much of Beverly Hills rocked out in the only way they could-as of the populace was in the grip of St. Vitus disease; near the tail end of that track, Nikki announced, "and that was Styx, named after the River Styx of Greek Mythology-boy, that Renegade is wild tonight! And now, a announcement on the upcoming 4th of July Airplane Exhibit at The Los Angeles Airport-planes diving to the right of you, jets zooming to the left of you...and don't miss the big fireworks display at the end of the program...HEY! Tara, what've you got there?!"

In Tara's hand was a long stick with a packet of firecrackers tied to one end of it and Jillian was lighting the fuse.

"Firecrackers for special effects," replied the Southerner, just as the fuse fizzled into action; after that, Tara swung the stick, taking the firecracker from range of the group.

"No, Tara!" yelled the panic stricken starlet, "WAIT!"

But the firecrackers went off, exploding in the air filling Studio A with sulphur and smoke, until one stray cracker got loose and exploded, almost giving Jillian a hot foot, as she jumped up and down on one foot, shouting, "Oh my foot, my foot!"

Sensing the trouble at hand, Nikki ad libbed, saying, "Jillian's been hit! What a way to go!"

"Be strong, Jillian," said Tara.

"I'll be OK,' said the Thorndyke sibling, who cooled off her foot in a bucket of water. "Guess I got lucky."

"Which reminds me," said Nikki, in the mike, "remember-fireworks can be dangerous, especially when it comes to outlawed fireworks. So what ever you do, always buy the unsafe and insane-UH!-I mean safe and sane fireworks you see in the stands located all over So. Cal. OK, now that we got that out of the way, let's carry on with, what else? The Beatles, and they're so tired, as I am."

Things started getting lively both in and outside the station as Ringo Starr's Oh My My played on; in The Teenclub, much of the BHTs were jiving as Binanca tripped the light fantastic with Bianca, saying, "Bianca, baby, I can get you a screen test, anytime as long as you be on time."

"I'll most certainly be there in the morning," assured the black haired diva. "By the way, can you get me cast alongside Antonio Banderas?"

"I'll see what I can do," said Buck, just as Oh My My finished and Tara came one saying, "That was Richard Starkey-"

"Ringo Starr!" interjected Nikki. "Chee, Tara, get it right, OK?!"

"Well, what Nikki pert near said, " said the Southerner, adding "anyhow he was saying oh my my. My oh my, indeed! Anyway, you're on with Nikki Darling, Jillian Thorndyke III and me, on radio KBHT, and we're centainly playing the finest in classic rock parlor music...er, Seymour Butz? Any of y' all see more butts here? Sorry, the devil pert near made me do it. Well here we go again with more classics, such as The Everly Brothers doing Dog Bird."

On the radio the tune started to play but skipped a few seconds; there was a thump and the track started over right from the start, Tara saying, "Uh, I mean, Bird Dog, sorry"

"Bird Dog or Dog Bird," quipped Troy. "They don't make tunes like they used to."

Laughing, Jett said, "Seymour Butts-that Tara's a card."

"So how come when I say it," asked Gig, "you say i am disgusting?" 

"Just Call me a hypocrite, OK?" shot back the Valley girl.

Wall Of Voodoo's Mexican Radio was finishing before Jillian annoucned, "Uh, that was Wall Of Doodoo, with Mexican Radio."

"Voodoo, not doodoo!" said Nikki. "You've been in the sauce, Silly Jilli."

"Woodoo?' said Tara.

"No, Voodoo," said Nikki, "as in V-O-O, D-O-O, got it?"

"VOO DOO?!" exclaimed Tara, her eyes bugged out. "LEMME OUTA HERE!"

"Get back you Southern fried chicken, " said Jillian, adding, "OK, folks, We got a request and it's from Chester wantin' to dedicate to me, Alice Cooper's You & Me to me..." before blushing.

"Gracious," muttered Tara, "How can a man carry a name like Alice? but then there's some guy going by the name of Stevie Nicks. Go figure."

"Uh, T.B., said Jillian, "didn't you know Stevie Nicks is a woman?"

"A woman?" said the surprised Southerner. "Well, can y' all beat that?"

And indeed, after Alice Cooper, the res of the set consisted of Chicago (Wishing You Were Here), The Traveling Wilburys (Last Night), The Kinks (Wish i Could Fly Like Superman), John Lennon (#9 Dream), Naked Eyes (When The Lights Go Out), Gary Myrick (Message Is You), Real Life (Send Me An Angel), Foreigner (Juke Box Hero), Duran Duran (Planet Earth) and The Power Staion (Communication), then finished with Plexiglass Toilet by Styx as Nikki said, "OK, they say all good things must come to an end, well, so it must be with my own radio show; my thanks to Tara Belle and Jillian Thorndyke III for helping me out, such as it was, so goodnight."

"Pleseant dreams, y' hear?" said Tara.

"Goodby, Mister Chips," said Jillian, who did some clicking of controls as Plexiglass Toilet ended, then said, "OK, Nikki, we're off the air."

Slumping back on her chair, Nikki sighed, "Am i thankful THAT is over..."

In the morning a worn out for wear Nikki was on a lounge near The Teenclub pool when Switchboard ran up to her saying, "Guess what, Nikki? You, Jillian and Tara were fantastic last night! So far, our KBHT ratings went right through the roof!"

"No joke?" said the starlet.

"No joke," said the gossipmonger, who was leafing through a notepad. "In fact, I've been thinking of setting you three up for a daily night radio show-the sky's the limit...what do you say, Nikki?"

But upon looking up, Switchboard saw already that Nikki was gone, even as the gossipmonger called out, "Nikki? Nikki...?"

THE EVER LOVIN' END


End file.
